Scared ... again/still

I read Curious George to Bailey again before putting her down for the night. Then I asked her if she wanted to lay in bed or rock in the rocking chair. She chose the rocking chair. She literally went from laughing as soon as I sat down beside her to sweating profusely and squeezing my neck as hard as she could within a matter of 2 minutes.

I tried repeatedly to get her to tell me what was going on, but the only thing she would say was, "I just want to lay down. Let's go to bed. Please will you lay down with me mommy?" over and over and over again.

As she lay there sweating and squeezing my neck, she asked me to snuggle with her ... as though there was some way for me to hold her any tighter.

So I told her, "Bailey, there is no reason to be scared. Mommy is here, and I will always protect you."

[Instant cringing at my own words. I try to steer clear of the always and the nevers, as they are hardly ever 100 percent accurate. Before I had children, this statement would seem like nothing more than me trying to comfort her ... willing to say anything to help her calm down. But now that I have her, life seems so much more fragile, and I realize that it's loads easier to hate myself for comments such as those. As soon as the words were out of my mouth, images of millions of scenarios in which I wouldn't be able to uphold that promise flashed through my head and the inevitable disappointment and fear she would have were I not able to protect her.

Is letting her deal with fear better than offering possible-truths? While it wasn't an outright lie, it wasn't at all true either. As much as I wish it possible, I won't always be able to protect her from everything in life. So am I doing wrong by using those words to comfort her? I don't know if I'll ever know the answer.]

Anyway, after I promised my protection, the following conversation took place.

Bailey: "And Jesus will always watch over me."
Me: "Yes, Bailey, Jesus will always watch over you."

Bailey: "I love Jesus. He stays in my heart."
Me: "That's right, baby. He stays in your heart."

Complete silence and I felt her start to relax and breathe deeply as she fell asleep.

You don't hear of many atheist parents. I don't think that's coincidence. I even googled the words "atheist parents" to see what was out there. Even on the atheist sites, most of the responses to the article posts say something along the lines of, "I'm not a parent, but if I had kids ... "

Personally, I think it would be difficult to have a child and try to negate God's existence. There are too many daily miracles in parenthood.

WHEW, I guess I'm feeling a little philosophical tonight!