Pain, loads of it

Warning: this post will most likely get emotional. I usually try to make light of most things, but as scared as I was last night, I don't know how successful I will be.

We had a great evening: dinner with some friends, pushing kids on the swing set, overall easy-going night. Then I came upstairs to pay bills (oh joy) and was on my way back down the stairs and miss-stepped.

Cliche #1: it was all so fast, I'm not really sure how it happened.

I hit the outside edge of the step with my lower spine and have never felt that way before. The following feelings/thoughts/things happened seemingly simultaneously or at least in rapid progression, as it couldn't have been but a few seconds before I started coming back around.

Completely numb and cold. Everything was bright white. I couldn't see and all I could hear was static, like bad reception on an old radio.

Cliche #2: this is it. I know how melodramatic it sounds, especially now, sitting at the computer and typing about it. But I promise you, I thought I was done for. I knew I'd hit my spine, but all the pain hadn't registered yet. Next thing I know Tony is in front of me, sounding about a million miles away and all fuzzy, and all I could do was manage an "I love you guys." Then I realized I would never get to tell all my other family and friends the same thing, so I closed my eyes and started begging in my mind, "please God, please don't let me die. I'm not ready yet. Please God."

I opened my eyes and I could see again, it wasn't completely white anymore. I could make out Tony and Bailey at the bottom of the steps. Then I saw the look on Bailey's face that was complete terror, and more praying, "please God, I HAVE to see her grow up. Please not now. Don't let them see this."

Then some feeling started to come back, it was pain, terrible pain, and it made me feel like I was going to vomit or pass out entirely or both. My hands and feet started tingling, like they were coming back from that asleep feeling and I realized I was laying/sitting on the stairs where I had fallen.

Okay, definitely still alive. OUCH! Tony kept asking if I was okay. Which I honestly replied "#$%@ NO." A not so proud moment, since it was the first time I'd said that word in front of Bailey.

Once I started coming back around (and I use that term lightly, as I'm pretty sure I didn't completely black out), I noticed that the static sound was anytime anyone moved or spoke. For some reason, it was worse when Bailey moved. Maybe Tony was completely still, but every time Bailey swished in her little dress, that was all I could hear. Kind of surreal, looking back on it.

Then I started thinking a little more logically. There was no way I could stand, not yet. I'd pass out for sure. Should Tony call somebody? An ambulance? I didn't want that. And this is when I started to realize that I wasn't going to die on the spot: I started wondering how much an ambulance would cost. So I told Tony to call my dad. He (another miracle) told Tony to let me sit as long as I felt like I needed to. Thanks, Daddy! I'm positive any movement by myself or anyone else would have had me flat on the floor, or at least collapsing on the person trying to help. Definitely didn't want Bailey seeing that. She wouldn't go to the other room, no matter how much Tony tried to coax her.

Cliche #3: she is what pulled me through. Looking at her, I just kept thinking, "be strong for her. Don't let her think you're in as much pain as you are." So I managed what I imagine was a pretty weak smile and said "I'm going to be okay sweetie." And then in my head, "please God don't let that be a lie."

I had no concept of time, but Tony tells me I sat there a good while. He kept trying to encourage me to get up and move around. Had me wiggle my fingers and toes, and I was relieved I could do both. That and the fact that I was sitting up made me realize that not only was I going to snap out of it, but I wasn't going to be paralyzed either. Again, I know it sounds completely exaggerated, but I told Tony later that I would much rather spend 4 full weeks recovering from a C-section than to ever feel that kind of pain again.

What's Bailey do? She's got her little arms stretched out like she's going to help me up, wiggling her fingers in "come here" sort of way and saying, "you can do it, mommy. Just get up. You're ok."

Then Tony helped me up, down the last couple of stairs, and to the chair, where I broke out into a cold sweat. He covered me in a quilt and let me sit for a few minutes before insisting I needed to ice the area.

It was about an hour later that the ringing (which had replaced the static sound by the time I got all the way down the steps) stopped and I didn't feel cold anymore.

... and now I'm done with the play-by-play :)

It's odd how something like that can make you think about EVERYTHING all at once. Maybe first I should mention that I honestly believe everything happens for a reason.

One of the thoughts I had after finally getting to a laying position was, "this is why I never got pregnant when we were trying. It would've been so much worse, and I would've lost the baby." I have no doubt that's true.

The other thoughts mostly reminded me that everything I was worrying about before I fell didn't mean squat. And then I moved on to thinking I need to tell everyone I gave this blog post to that I love you. This is my virtual hug. I'm recovering now. I feel like I was used as a pinata, and everything aches from the back of my head to my tail bone, but I can move on my own and I'm just a little, okay a lot, bruised.